BJ: Faith-Healer & Televangelist

wpid-wp-1444570195909.jpeg   wpid-wp-1444570760408.jpeg

Seen, up at @

http://www.paladin-press.com/product/How_to_Get_Rich_As_a_Televangelist_or_Faith_Healer/Financial_Freedom

A book description that reads as follows:

Learn how to make a fortune as a religious con artist. This lucrative career has sustained countless scoundrels, frauds and hucksters for millennia. If you play the part right, you will be blessed with riches, power, prestige and sex.

Discover the easy, inexpensive ways to get religious credentials (and the tax-free status that goes with them), how to develop your following, how to tailor your message for maximum gain and how to weasel out of trouble when your lavish lifestyle or personal misconduct hits the fan.

Your victims will be the feeble, the old, the poor and the desperate, so this is for people with no conscience whatsoever. Get ready to stare into the hopeful faces of the lame and the terminally ill and lie, convince working people to send you their last five or ten bucks by telling them that God will return the donation a hundredfold and rob nursing home residents of what little they have as they hang on to every word you say. In return, you will give them a good show, a temporary emotional high and a hefty dose of false hope. And you will be one rich SOB!

Whether you’re actually considering a career in televangelism or just studying their methods to protect yourself or a loved one, you’ll find page after page of shocking, amusing and heartbreaking true stories from the world of religious chicanery.

Hold on to your seats, folks

Something tells me that a streak of Beetlejuice lives in motor-mouthed televangelism and other fast-talk as he could literally “fall out of his Beelzebub ways” with a laying-on of hands for a quick conversion– moving in all ways holy and dubious “as a transformed creature”.

Casting out demons, as it were– as 666 devils, goblins, snakes, and lizards pop out of his mouth in bottomless evil down at the ole’ revival tent. Spirits bump against heads of parishioners and bounce about like crazy as you have a real exorcism going on, there.

He sees the light! Now, in a cheap suit with his hair flying rotted and wild as always as “Bible Study” theology discussion takes on wild, unscripted directions. (He speaks from extensive, personal experience). Pray, work, and die– as he’s “touched with the spirit” and slathers on “the praise” with bad, rotted teeth– the empty collection plate rattles with a genuine home business– howling with “the anointing” with a touch of werewolf as the most entertaining show on local cable-access television.

A bit of faith-healing with a pinched-brow, a magician’s bag of tricks.

Going around carnivals and selling “patent medicine” from an illegal whiskey still and otherwise being much like a television kids’ show host for a bunch of skeptical, laughing 13 year-old’s as he wraps his arms around their shoulder and lures them into the revival tent– otherwise raving-on against masturbation and the like.

You’ll be rolling with holy-laughter as you haven’t seen a character “so earthy” since John the Baptist, a pinch of brimstone and a thing for cute church secretaries. A divinity degree bought online from a diploma mill as that’s “Pastor Beetle” to you.

A Bonus:

“Attention, K-mart Shoppers–“

Someone uploaded all the Muzak that played, month-to-month at K-mart stores and seems oddly appropriate, at the mention of our bargain-discount buddy as dogged shoppers push their carts down the aisles, “like walking death”.

http://boingboing.net/2015/10/11/this-guy-uploaded-a-collection.html

And also: Miss Winona is as curious about this new Beetlejuice movie as anyone, and wishes that someone would shed light on the subject. Would she consider visiting this website for some genuine inspiration?

http://www.mtv.com/news/2346647/winona-ryder-beetlejuice-2-rumors/

Back tomorrow, kids– don’t sign-away your souls as Pastor Beetle would find ways to swindle you with a contract, made “with the devil, himself” as a bit of side business. We prophesize that a fool and his money will be soon parted.

Advertisements
BJ: Faith-Healer & Televangelist

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s