Scenic, Twisted Missouri. . . . .


Hobgoblins of telecommunication have knocked-out my internet here in St. Louis– as seen on the national news where flooding is a story. You’ll see lots of rolling, bumpy green hills from the sky-chopper, incidentally “a notion of where Beetlejuice 2” might be filmed.

And what’s this business of creepy clowns? You hear these stories about perverts in the woods messing with kids’ minds as this sounds more like “tall tales” and mass panic.

Though in Eureka we do have our share of weird happenings.

Just think of this place as a township a few miles outside of the city, beyond the county, and deeper in-state. If Lodi, New Jersey produced Glenn Danzig and Aberdeen, Washington calls Kurt Cobain a home-town son, this place would draw a comparison.

Through the haunted woods– you might here stories about hidden meth-labs. . . . . or was it just a hotdog cook-out? Or twisted imbeciles left abandoned in the woods “by their handlers” to pull on car door-handles and garble unintelligibly. . . . .

It is a world of camp-fire lawn chairs and beer coolers where you see the rugged nature of the outback mixed with zany artistic-impulse, like rusty nails dipped in buckets of diet cherry 7-Up and a whole lot of mind-altering drugs for skaters and BBS internet-pirates “back in the day”. Drifters, drift-wood, and homebrew wailing guitar. 1920’s hunting lodges and whorish Bettie Page spanking-gear with bee-stung lips and 1950 Atomic X-mas as told by serial killers like Ed Gein– and rockabilly mutton-chops.

The coldest touch. . . . . like crib death or a toddler with a Frankenstein haircut as it’s “The Munsters” or “Garfield’s Halloween Special” or even “Return to Oz” for green, foaming dark fantasy death with claw-footed bathtubs and the gray, leaden sky out the window.

Beetlejuice would be under the bridge, fishing. His friend, a black, scruffy poodle with giant, swinging, tumorous balls and blind to the world.

Someone call the health department– or maybe the dog-catcher. We don’t know, for who.

As the story goes, “living in a van– down by the river”.

The cops will hose him off in the drunk tank “because of the unbearable smell” and tell him to raft away to the next town. He’s the Missourian vagrant. . . . . or maybe it was Florida.

Moving south for the winter as an itinerant carnival worker if not a kids’ show host on television. Don’t dress up as Chuck’ee-Cheeze and keep a clean police record. . . . .

Scenic, Twisted Missouri. . . . .

Bubba Ho-Tepp & Retirement Home Elvis

The original Elvis Presley who traded the bonus gravy of fame with an Elvis impersonator, now old n’ crotchety in a retirement home fights an ancient Egyptian mummy curse up and down the stick-whapping halls as they switched “Elvis” had succumbed to fame and died in 1977 as we best know the story. . . . . kind of a rhinestone mummy vs. an Aztec ape in a modern cult-film starring Bruce Campbell.

Say, what?

It’s 2002’s “Bubba Ho-Tep” for a twisted romp through the sort of drug-culture Rob Zombie crowd as there’s nothing that screams “kitsch appreciation” more ironically than the whole retro-world of Elvis Presley and the stranger side of the backwoods “white experience”.

I was introduced to this film by my older cousin who grew-up in the winding back-hills of outlying St. Louis counties as it’s where farmland is replaced by exurbia and speaks to the Atari/Star Wars/Six Flags basis of local Generation-X flavor– like wolfen stares and fringe art workshops you would find “vaguely off-putting” as you sit side by side next to a home computer work-station.

Call it “punk”, call it “stoner”, call it “flat & grim”. . . . . but you’d know it as the new American Gothic and what happens when Generation-X adopts into gamer culture quite seamlessly.

Black “Betty Boop” t-shirts and not forgetting “Speed Racer”.

We, “the children-of-the-night” over whiskey and pasty, stark complexions as life is existential, like forest fungus and rusted-out cars. . . . . and not forgetting “The Residents” as a gang of eyeball-heads stuck on spindly legs and tuxedo outfits with high society top-hats.

Over NES “Castlevania” and the 1980’s Garfield Halloween special you could see spirits from the Civil War tramping up through that paved, woodsy road of gnarled darkness like the deepest, hoariest under-belly that post-World War II America had to offer.

Write what you know– and Beetlejuice would figure out there along the highways by the shale rock cliffs and shoeless “Huckleberry Finn” quality of thicker country folk, earthy yet wise in their own ways.

Just another idea for where to put the sequel: “Beetlejuice 2”.

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Bubba Ho-Tepp & Retirement Home Elvis

Retro Drive-in Ads

Now, we introduce to you, THE REAL REASON why movie theaters are open. Namely, as an excuse to set-up a snack-bar and draw revelers in to the screen-house like flies to a bbq or more like, Beetlejuice up to mischief like a grub-worm to shit or screenwriters to comedy.

Beetlejuice 2 will take-on several surreal excursions, poking fun at itself and other “meta-referencing” with little “breakers”, or “send-up’s” in between scenes to keep the film moving-along. Say, constant references to product spots and buying popcorn & soda and other bolstering “product-placements”.

You’ll have a lurching, screwball perspective with whips & pans that moves from one thing to another like those delightful little cameos and other extras that you can throw in, to make the humor tighter and gratifying for the smart-alleck in the audience.

The imagination is the limit for this scriptwriter, here– so long as you can put-it into words and make use of free, retro “stock-footage” or whatever strange stuff you can mix-in– a real bouillabaisse of off-key inspiration you won’t find anywhere else. Mastery & execution– as you’ll never see anything like it, ANYWHERE.

For instance, a card is held-up– “Where’s Hugo?” as he burrows-off to the side of the action as the Lydia and Beetlejuice plot thickens, and there is likeness or something “close-enough” counts-down, off to the side. Just reminding you that he’s still alive “and out there” as the threads will all come together.

And the second reason movie theatres are open– to sell tickets to you, the audience who must be entertained. You make it real, you know.


Retro Drive-in Ads