The Subcontracted Plagues of Egypt


“So let it be written….. so let it be done”.

Easter and Passover fall on the same weekend and you can’t help but think of the annual broadcast of “THE TEN COMMANDMENTS” starring Charlton Heston in this biblical pot-boiler.

A 1950’s Hollywood mega-production of spectacle and manifest Christendom to lure audiences away from the free entertainment on small-screen t.v.’s.

Rollicking, blood, scalping, and thunder….. and the 10 Plagues of Egypt.

Just read over these– rivers turning to blood, the descent of frogs & locusts, and “creeping death” robbing Egyptian households “of the first-born”. This sounds like the handiwork of Beetlejuice, perhaps subcontracted “by the spirit world” to sow mischief.

After all, the spirit “set loose” in THE EXORCIST was a middle-Eastern demon arisen from an ancient curse to bedevil modern man, true enough “as it would be” back in days of yore.

As for his moral credentials? Just look at “Six Flags”…..

You can’t guarantee that the character “running the laser light-show” at a theme park is necessarily “a holy character”, along with vendors selling hotdogs and t-shirts, but as long as “the seem well-groomed, enough” and show up to work on time– promoters “will look the other way”.

I’ve seen gnarled-up, porky types snarl with snaggle-teeth as they direct ticket-buyers to their seats at the Monster-Truck rally.

Where each crowd “is a blessing” and moved-along by the more brutish means “of crowd-control” and open festival seating.

The ways of the road…… another town, another gig.

THE RODEO OF SOULS, kids “under 12” get in free. An American institution.

“We’re #1”, a giant foam finger.

Apocalypse never heard such a blood-roar from the stands…..


The Subcontracted Plagues of Egypt

A Wastoid Speaks, Jaded ‘R us.

movies_tim_burton_career_2   tombstone

Coming to a graveyard near you. . . . . as Beetlejuice sits on a tomb-stone and shrugs his shoulders impishly if asked “what gives him the right”.

It takes a dark kind of soul to hang-out in a graveyard and over come the gothic kids and black metal fans in face-paint and simmering defiance as Beetlejuice welcomes them with open arms. Seem kind of young– and stupid too.

Kids always find it gratifying when adults take an interest in them. Beetlejuice could be 40 or 4000 years old with the allure of beer and cigarettes, dodging respectability. You’d call him a con-artist or bunco man as his creative reach doesn’t extend much further than using a stick to lift-up the skirt of Barbara Maitland. In craft and guile– it’s not much higher than what you’d see down at a flea market for petty thievery and other tall tales.

Putrescent rot and decay. . . . . drawn to mischief like flies to a pile of shit as a scheme is working through his putrid noggin as he’s devilishly fond of contracts.

He will give you knowledge. . . . . for a price.

What is the secret? Maybe the big answer is that there’s not really an answer– and you sell your soul to find out. It’s like “fine print”, or death– or no such thing “as a free lunch”. What will you find out? Maybe that “no matter where you go, THERE YOU ARE” as it couldn’t be any simpler or more grotesque than “free will” and “spiritual limbo”.

So what are you gonna do? Get wise, get older– “settle-down”. The world of carny’s, roadies, and trailer-living turns out to be more dreary than flashy as there we are, all giving an account for ourselves with our hands shrugged-out in the rotten perfume of wasted youth. For those who don’t believe in elder’s wisdom– soon you will become the elders and it all goes full circle as the land of death lays beyond.

What is death like? Maybe a Department of Motor Vehicles as you’re processed like a flat, laminated card until all the life is drained-out. Our miseries duly counted, not worth one whit as part of being an adult is taking responsibility while setting-aside some free time.

Sincerely, a jaded/post-teenaged poet.

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A Wastoid Speaks, Jaded ‘R us.

“Hell-Pit” and “Limbo-Land”. . . . .

Bill & Ted have a pretty good idea of what limbo would look like, spirits “flying, floating, or falling” through all the sheer voids. Could hell be a physical concept? Even so, THE NETHERWORLD is like an optical illusion of perspectives and screwball angles as logical as they are “damned just”. Just key into the imagery from “Dante’s Inferno” as it all strangely makes sense.

Beetlejuice is a creature of hell, yet an escapee “from the infinite-grind” as taking advantage “of the recently deceased” means he keeps one step ahead of taxes as he out-races “the scales of justice”. Inner circles “down the long fall, down” beget stranger properties still, like a kind of insect-mind like the subconscious where nightmares fly out of.

Strange creatures, glowing-furies, and UFO’s dart in and out of a strange realm and overlap into the world we call “commonsense”. Altered states from say, “a Ouija board” summon manifest energies as you talk about mental aberration and the psychedelic experience–dream-worlds of forbidden, altered perception.

Basically, what Beetlejuice feels after a long night of drinking and haunting and carousing, throwing-up in the toilet or otherwise “riding the porcelain bus”. Or smoking joints dipped in embalming-fluid (– for “medicinal purposes”) and otherwise sidling up to you with a chunky, poor-old-me “hard-luck story”. Can you help raise him from the dead, “jump-start him” out of the very pit of hell?

You just got to his name “three times”. . . . . “Beetlejuice SEQUEL”, “Beetlejuice SEQUEL”, “Beetlejuice SEQUEL”, to get the juices flowing and gift him the ability to entertain like the neighbor you would never invite inside your house.

So lift him out of “development hell” and let’s make this sequel happen. Thanks for following my posts, and we leave you with some eerie conceptions of hell and some of the creatures you’d meet off in limbo. The imagination is our only limit as this can happen with computers.

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Back to “the drawing board” and we’ll see you back soon. Happy Samhain!!

“Hell-Pit” and “Limbo-Land”. . . . .

BJ: Faith-Healer & Televangelist

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Seen, up at @

A book description that reads as follows:

Learn how to make a fortune as a religious con artist. This lucrative career has sustained countless scoundrels, frauds and hucksters for millennia. If you play the part right, you will be blessed with riches, power, prestige and sex.

Discover the easy, inexpensive ways to get religious credentials (and the tax-free status that goes with them), how to develop your following, how to tailor your message for maximum gain and how to weasel out of trouble when your lavish lifestyle or personal misconduct hits the fan.

Your victims will be the feeble, the old, the poor and the desperate, so this is for people with no conscience whatsoever. Get ready to stare into the hopeful faces of the lame and the terminally ill and lie, convince working people to send you their last five or ten bucks by telling them that God will return the donation a hundredfold and rob nursing home residents of what little they have as they hang on to every word you say. In return, you will give them a good show, a temporary emotional high and a hefty dose of false hope. And you will be one rich SOB!

Whether you’re actually considering a career in televangelism or just studying their methods to protect yourself or a loved one, you’ll find page after page of shocking, amusing and heartbreaking true stories from the world of religious chicanery.

Hold on to your seats, folks

Something tells me that a streak of Beetlejuice lives in motor-mouthed televangelism and other fast-talk as he could literally “fall out of his Beelzebub ways” with a laying-on of hands for a quick conversion– moving in all ways holy and dubious “as a transformed creature”.

Casting out demons, as it were– as 666 devils, goblins, snakes, and lizards pop out of his mouth in bottomless evil down at the ole’ revival tent. Spirits bump against heads of parishioners and bounce about like crazy as you have a real exorcism going on, there.

He sees the light! Now, in a cheap suit with his hair flying rotted and wild as always as “Bible Study” theology discussion takes on wild, unscripted directions. (He speaks from extensive, personal experience). Pray, work, and die– as he’s “touched with the spirit” and slathers on “the praise” with bad, rotted teeth– the empty collection plate rattles with a genuine home business– howling with “the anointing” with a touch of werewolf as the most entertaining show on local cable-access television.

A bit of faith-healing with a pinched-brow, a magician’s bag of tricks.

Going around carnivals and selling “patent medicine” from an illegal whiskey still and otherwise being much like a television kids’ show host for a bunch of skeptical, laughing 13 year-old’s as he wraps his arms around their shoulder and lures them into the revival tent– otherwise raving-on against masturbation and the like.

You’ll be rolling with holy-laughter as you haven’t seen a character “so earthy” since John the Baptist, a pinch of brimstone and a thing for cute church secretaries. A divinity degree bought online from a diploma mill as that’s “Pastor Beetle” to you.

A Bonus:

“Attention, K-mart Shoppers–“

Someone uploaded all the Muzak that played, month-to-month at K-mart stores and seems oddly appropriate, at the mention of our bargain-discount buddy as dogged shoppers push their carts down the aisles, “like walking death”.

And also: Miss Winona is as curious about this new Beetlejuice movie as anyone, and wishes that someone would shed light on the subject. Would she consider visiting this website for some genuine inspiration?

Back tomorrow, kids– don’t sign-away your souls as Pastor Beetle would find ways to swindle you with a contract, made “with the devil, himself” as a bit of side business. We prophesize that a fool and his money will be soon parted.

BJ: Faith-Healer & Televangelist

Closed-Door Politics at Warner Bros.

As outsiders to Hollywood board-room politics, I claim to come from nowhere else “but Bumfuck, America” as do most people. Just think: the swank suits, sunglasses, and constant industry shorthand talked into a cell-phone as they cruise down Hollywood boulevard in a fire-apple red convertible.

Or at least that’s the impression of agents. If not “industry suits”, maybe?

But in the world of Beetlejuice 2– and get this– you could see the offices as a kind of galactic room of maggot-like gladiators, debating over the fate of the movie and breaking what is known as “The Fourth Wall” and deliberating in front of the camera like on the wavelength of Darth Vader or whatever.

It’s none-other than GWAR– the foam-rubber monster shock-rock band. And if “buckets o’ blood” isn’t “gimmicky”, than what else is?

Yes, overlords unto cruel, crude fate as they summon in one writer after another and have them beheaded– even as the crowd gathers outside of the “Beetlejuice Returns” premier, hungry for a sequel “that hasn’t even been written yet”.

So a surreal exercise, a bit like that movie theater scene in “Blazing Saddles” with radical shifts in audience perspective– both the audience “in the movie”, and then one day when the film actually plays before a living, breathing audience.

And where is Beetlejuice?

Conked-out and snoring in a coffin as the movie-going audience starts chanting his name– a delay before the narrative starts– and boy, do we have some great surprises for you.

So keep following this blog and we’ll explore more ookey, kooky, creepy levels of all things “Beetlejuice” as we’re so glad to have you as readers.

Until then, “don’t you go changin'” and we’ll return tomorrow.

Closed-Door Politics at Warner Bros.